Eternity

mm

2007-01-15T13:20:00.000+08:00

Time is passing so quickly its starting to frighten me; it has nearly been half a month since my last entry, and it barely felt like yesterday. I am contemplating whether i should keep this entry as quiet as it can be, or like before, announce its imminent arrival, even before i commence on the entry. Well that can wait till i actually complete this entry. I wonder who will discover the entry first lol. Im choosing to do this on notepad and since im using slightly higher resolution than most others, it's probably going to take some time before i realise the actual length of it on other more conventional resolution/screen size configurations. Ok i hope its not getting technical to anyone just yet:

Because more technology updates is going to follow heh. Recently i just switched from mozilla firefox 2.0 to the new IE 7.0 build; well perhaps not exactly switching to but returning to that old browswer. It now has most, if not all of the functions that mozilla firefox used to have that attracted me to it. Tabbed browsing, rss, a better favourites system, password managers while still having some distinct features of the old IE that had me glued to it way before the existence of mozilla.

The two paragraphs above this, you see them? They were written aproximately four times twenty four- 96 hours ago. I had a rather peculiar sensation at that time; i was about an hour away from the time im supposed to leave my house for whatever reason i can not possibly recall now, and that WEIRD (not wierd LOL) sensation like just totally compelled me to write something like right away to quench the extreme impulse at the point of time. I merely wrote what was on my mind, and it took only a couple of mins, despite my renowned tradition of acute rumination of everything i process in my mind before i confirm the completion of a new paragraph, or entry. This practice of mine, dad says its commendable, because it is exactly this delicate process that entices people, why, i hope you know i meant intellectual people(heh) to read and feel the experience for themselves the very labour put into a simple post; even if it was a single liner - and thus i shalt love, to some it may seem to them just another phrase that makes no sense, yet if you are close enough to the author of that particular line, you would naturally be able to feel very precisely what he felt as he wrote the single liner, be it the bitter agony or the fondness of tender love.

By now you would probably have realised the glaring discontinuity and the poor transitions between each paragraph; well you should have. i've written almost every paragraph on a different day, first 4 days apart, then several hours, then a day apart again. I will have to just end this in its premature form; it is indeed far from completion but because so much has happened in this brief period of a week that it isn't mentally possible for me to reenact the situation in my mind, for the purpose of reproducing the exact emotional status that i was immersed in, during that time frame of the incidents, and thus rendering it rather pointless to narrate since it will be an absolute void of emotions, elation or anguish alike. Besides, i don't like
narration. But to represent these days with a phrase? Its been a roller coaster ride, and one without safety belts. Yet, now, at this very second, i am at the pinnacle of joy. (: Carpe Diem indeed! My love, shalt we seize the day and enjoy this raptured bliss between us?

i'll build a bridge, and if it takes eternity, then eternity it shall be.

Signed.

In response.

2006-12-26T00:23:00.000+08:00

Perhaps i used the wrong method to articulate the excruciatingly painful situation last night and thus sent out the wrong idea. My sincere apologies. I was not only frustrated over the speed at which i was writing that entry, but i was simply disheartened at how morbid and blunt my sentences during the initial -creation phase in the brainstorm of my thoughts. When they start to materialize in my brain, i could not bear but feel ashamed at the inadequacy of the language i was about to use; and honestly doubted its ability to convey the crux of my concepts and opinion accurately.

-Poetry, i agree is just like what he describes it as: "the spontaneous overflow of powerful feelings recollected in tranquility". Indeed, the opinions, the emotions, the content, all of these take time to develop and then coalesce. However, in the first paragraph, at which i was most frustrated over, it was certainly not the metamorphosis of the content that made me realize how stale my language has become from the lack of use; it was the articulation of it. i already had something to say, i had something in my mind, not exactly vague at all; it was there bleeding tears and urging me to broadcast its existence to the readers. Yet i chose to discard much of these, because i felt that even the combination of a noble thought and a language that was insufficient to present it, would still only come across as nonsensical gibberish. I suppose i was not exactly honest in a way, seeing that i was only presenting the best of me into words after undergoing the bitter scrutiny of my other more rational half; but this act was certainly not unintelligent at all to me! It would certainly be a moment of folly. If i ever decide to exhibit the less competent and more primitive part of my language. I even consider it a polite gesture to display the very best of yourself albeit with the little disguise that you have on.

Perhaps i was describing promises not as promises but as something more advance, something less fabricated, something less fragile, but still very much a promise in essence. In the concept of Nietzsche's 'Ubermensch', the over-man's abilities have stretched far beyond that of man, they have overcame man, overcame themselves to get to the state of super-human. 'Ubermensch' was also interpreted as a temporary state, of this will to power that uniquely creates this -individual- effect. This process will not happen to all-, but to the few that -unknowingly- develop and satisfy the required conditions for 'Ubermensch' to occur because it is not simply a matter of choice that makes or breaks this delicate state (a higher form of a promise) but rather a subconscious fulfillment of several key conditions that play the dominant and pivotal role in realizing this "transformation". The very day you start to force yourself to knowingly -not- break a promise, perhaps you may have already gone against your own heart, and repeating these promises daily will only increase the hypnopaedic(<- lol yoko*) effects on yourself to manipulate the mind to believe what you are forcing yourself to believe. Sure enough, it may work occasionally, but as the seal wanes with time, it would finally reach a point of saturation that your heart will yet overflow with grief and revert back to the fresh status to again begin its subconscious choice again. The 'Ubermensch' and the form of a promise that i speak of, bea numerous areas of resemblance; they are almost a precise match. Hence it is -not- JUST "a routine that you unknowingly follow", because a routine that you unknowingly follow is exactly the foundations of the -super- expression of a 'promise'. When all other conditions (there can be many, true love perhaps, is one) are unknowingly satisfied, and your heart chooses willingly and subconsciously (ironic but true if you think carefully), there would then be this will to power that transforms this warped unspoken promise, into one that binds your heart to it eternally. To harp on a verbal promise, to insist on hearing sweet proclamations, is to allow yourself to be trapped in the world of idealistic norms, the promise will ever remain a simple verbal promise that you try so damn hard, but still always fail to keep.

i've lost my wings. angels or not. im fallen. and i shall weep. and i shall mourn. for the wings of passé. and yet even if i still had my curiosity gland in me, i still have every to lose, sigh.

it h-
should i a-
shes con-

Return.

2006-12-24T00:07:00.000+08:00

Heh. my last post on this blog was on the 8th of October 2005. it has been almost long enough that i have to name this post Genesis instead-_-. You know, prior to this day, i would notice the bookmark to this address every now and then and the few times that i do, I'll be so utterly convinced that its an impossibility for me to be blogging in here again, heh turns out impossibility is nothing indeed? i don't know if my fervor for blogging is still so rampant in me like in the old days but recently I've been having this itch to rant forever about life. but when i first recognized this longing to blog again, i really wondered whether i will be able to write as fluently as before. I've always had this misconception that the ability to pen down ones running thoughts is inert in everyone and naturally would require no talent nor practice to execute; yet at this very precise moment that im writing this right now, i am having second thoughts about that. Simply because of the snail speed i am writing this -_-, I have no choice but to acknowledge that the fundamental building block of this ability is none other than- practice. I really wish i could write like before albeit the harsh truth that it is no longer possible for awhile. I remember it used to flow like wine, just like wine, smooth and elegant; ah the joy in the continuous manifestation of ones running thoughts, i had felt it before. it was heavenly, it was like a burning adrenalin gushing through my body every second as i wrote in a style so uniquely mine that i felt the alphabets rejoice with me, all that when i still possessed that capability. Is there not a shortcut or an alternative and easier way. do i really have to commit myself into writing so often again just for a mere glimpse of what i have enjoyed before? How long do i have to suffer this bitter incompetence for? Mm i wonder if i come across as someone really emotional, like what everyone claims that i am outside of virtual reality? (70%? heh ) Or do i simply enjoy basking in solitary and reminiscence? Perhaps its a combination of both, and i know nothing more of myself than i know of santa's,

I swear, i freaking swear upon the light and holy bloody grave of myself, i had something to say just two minutes ago omg, i even have a witness for heavens sake. In that two minutes, i ate an almond, drank a sip of some soft drink. Thats all i freaking did. Then it simply vanished, vanished without a trace. Sigh, enough of lectures about symptoms of short term memory. Lesson learnt i suppose. And more importantly something else just nudged me in the brain.

Mmm should i be trying things I've never done or have never dared to do? Should i travel, or go backpacking? Someone said its detrimental to lose ones curiosity at such a young age. Is it true? I dislike changes somehow. Am i weird? Or am i unique? Does anyone have the same sentiments as i do? Am i alone? Is it an ivory tower that surrounds me? Singapore seem to make you just want to settle and stick around and not go anywhere else; I'm become so accustomed to the city comfort that going anywhere overseas for a short trip would absolutely upset my routine. Consequently i am almost certain i would feel uneasy in the duration of the trip, and thus spoiling the entire trip. I hate the city, i dislike the bustle, i detest the noise, yet sadly- and ironically, i chose to embrace these and forsake the curiosity and the desire to seek a place where i truly belong, both ways, the physical utopia and the spiritual solace. If you didn't understand where that last sentence came from, read between the lines for this paragraph and you would probably notice all the underlying analogies that i have insinuated.

What is the definition of a promise? Do you think theres an eternal promise? I know for certain it isn't a quality that binds to time; instead it wanes with time, however gently, it does. If you count the number of glasses shattered in a day and you count the number of promises broken on the same day, i have a hunch that you'll finish counting the first in a few hours, and spend the rest of your life counting the latter. To me, a true promise, can not and should never be vocalized into words, because a promise made to another person is never truly a promise. It is within the heart that it belongs; it only suffices for one, it is a principle held fast and hard, a rule that you abide to, a rule that evolves into a promise to thyself. This promise establishes itself into a routine that you unknowingly get used to and follow. This divine expression is exactly the essential element that binds a couple together; That is what makes love so lasting on some occasions. Who would have thought it was never about the verbal declarations nor the blatant confessions that made the difference but this minute facet of a promise.

mmm you should have noticed this glaring fact already. until now I've yet to speak in the native language all bloggers are so capable of speaking: their everyday-life-description-language. i hate narration, i hate even more the narration of my own day. i don't think I'm ever going to elaborate nor reveal much of what i do everyday in here, and even if i did, it would be extremely brief and insignificant to the entire page's content. This starting post has been long enough i think, wonder if i can maintain this length every time. I certainly hope so.

Its not p-
It wont-
I think she sti-
don't bother asking i won't say.

Literary tools are finer than grains of sand.

long absence.

2005-10-08T20:33:00.000+08:00

wow i can not imagine how many days i have put off this entry for. for one month, i was denied all my proper weekends. In return they give us measly half days or nights out as compensation and somehow with their math they managed to equate them as equivalents to all my bloody weekends GROWL. a note to all readers of this entry: i will emphasize and reemphasize my discontent in this post, free to leave if you do not wish to hear them though. *snicker.

it was all in good check and a 5 days block leave was intended for us after the two hell weeks from the army half marathon and 4ntm (basically activation period in which we must be constantly be ready to be recalled into camp upon command and failure to reach camp within 45mins of activation will yield, of course, undesirable punishment, but i digress-.-). THEN came the preparation for exercise wallaby. it was horrendously irrelevant and redundant and EVERY dang time, these things would refresh my desire to stress once again, to everywhere in every possible way, the irrelevance of the army. basically for three whole days, from mornin to night, we were made to clean the stores we were bringing over to wallaby to the extent that they are entirely dirt free, and i really mean dirt free. we had to paint everything meant to be black, black, and everything silver, silver and return it to its factory sttaus so that it may pass a god damn inspection, the ordeal an uncomfortable 5 hours long. Worst of all because we could not seal the containers meant for the stores, we had to seal it before completion, open it up the next mornnig, recheck all the stores, and so further spent a day in camp. The reason we couldn't complete in time? A bloody sergeant, in all his imcompetence ( and in every sense negligence as well ) failed to print out some essential paperwork for the stores. sometimes i really admire them for their stupidity, how is it possible for anyone to reach such a consummate level of retardness. enough of my comments about army actually, realise i shouldn't be at all dedicating my precious time to writing these.

i think, since i got enlisted, i've started reading even more extensively than ever, perhaps because of the lack of spiritual bonding with the people in camp. Started on the new wheel of time series, finished the second book then realised i can't find the freaking third book. So i turned to finishing return of the king i've left half read a long time ago. digressed to read other books like 'blink', 'curious incident with the dog...' ,one other philosophy title and 'brave new world'. oh man brave new world is indeed so very worthy of being a jc literature text. its rich content and bizaare futuristic school of thoughts makes it elegant and presented in a class of its own when compared to many books of tomorrow. It is absolutely marvellous for a book first printed in 1946 to contain such advanced theories of a global caste system and a pseudo utopia made wholly through hynopaedian means? kudos to alduous huxley.

ah well im done here actually. snicker. too bored to continue. my interests in blogging seem to be waning. will try to pick these up where i left off after army i hope. till then i'll most probably blog every fortnight or so. no longer weekly or whenever i have the time to. Do check once in a while though ;P

2005-07-17T19:50:00.000+08:00

Long i've broken my promise and made absence of this entry that is due such a long time ago. My apologies, but do understand the moments i have outside do not last eternally and i certainly had needed the one or two days in the weekends to vent my frustrations, that which i will explain further with clearer details in the later parts of this entry. Anyways, i am here finally for an entry which probably will be one of the longer ones if it all flows well.I can identify so many sources of frustration, anger and helplessness even offhand right now its scaring me and apparently a majority of these seem to be intertwined with my posting into 41sar. Although i've been living in quite abit of comfort in 41sar, apart from the usual routine chores that is, i've noticed the huge temper rising within me. I have accumulated such exaggerating anger in me, that i've realised it must've been nothing else than the new camp which i'm spending 90 percent of the my time at not mentioning its ghastly inhabitants who has recently spiked my life with a phenomenal dosage of bitter anguish. I have absolutely no objection to living in perfect harmony with people of lower education level, proven time and again in the other camps i've been to, that is if they do not resemble, in any god damn ways, my current bunk mates right now. I simply find no word, not the filthiest of them neither the most extreme insult in english, what angels those words make of them. On the surface, i admit they suffice as friends by the lowest benchmarks. Yet upon close contact with them, not only have i looked in the eye of the most hideous guise of devilish beast in them, i also see an utter void of trust and integrity in this bunk. It takes a great deal for me to comment with such aggressive and unpleasant words, it has pushed me far beyond my point of toleration do i now speak in this current tone. I myself am a living testimony to the many instances their shallow friendships turned upon themselves and their responsibilities shrugged out of obligations to save their own skin, and further more as if that was not foul enough; they force it upon another, who is neither a source of frustration for them, nor obstruction to any of their unfair and biased transactions with the the officers higher up, which brings me to the next part of the problem in here.

Apparently even the officers have accepted sweet words of bootlicking and other tangible bribes, in turn they ensure life in general to be easy for a selected few. It is appalling to see people who does not at all deserve such treatment receive it, at the cost of others who have truly earned themselves of the treatment and yet deprived because they refuse to sell their conscience. We get people going to the medical centers with no apparent reason other than to skive on a hard days work. I can easily tell, the sergeants and officers know the truth of the status yet do nothing, NOTHING at all to curb this, of course causing a severe influx of jobs to be divided to the few who have chosen to face their conscience without guilt. I simply can not imagine how they can make such pretence of their status in army, do not they at all feel the sensation of shame and do they not blush at guilt?

I look at them, i look at myself; I see no common interests, no topics of speech. Devils! I shouldn't even mention interest. i find not even a single element i can identify and say we have in common, save the fragile skins granted to us. Their perspective to life is different, their fundamental manners and qualities are absent. Hark, notice i do not say they are straight and honest for they are not at all. They are cunning, calculative and what showcase of human evils they perform. i have tried my best to blend, deceiving myself it may perhaps be fine after awhile. But no, i've abandoned that naive mentality. I havent any remaining solution to them, to us. Conclusion, I now draw a line between us. There is no articulation of friendship nor any willingness for any as i speak to them. I do not consider them friends, if indeed a name given to this weird relation, i say stranger is the best, yet unfortunately army personnel is the most corresponding relation right now.One piece of news in 41 that merits any form of rejoicing and a little vacation for frustation, is the announcement that i will be most probably be training for the new 3G armour generation as my OC's gunner. May be old news for alot of people reading this right now, but i guess a little renotification doesn't hurt ?;) Then again this piece of news is still awaiting for the FINAL confirmation, that is me physically reporting for training. May not be so soon i suppose but i think it will commence quicker, i wish to move out of this bunk as quick as i can. The constant mental pressure and stress i am under as i live in this situation is inching me towards insanity everyday. I sincerely pin all hopes upon my transformation of a tankie to a bionix gunner.

Enough about army. Heh. Had so much fun yesterday watching 3 movies closely following each other lol. Mindhunters, Initial D, Romasanta-werewolf hunt. I thought the first one was pretty good! But i guess the friend i went with preferred the second and the last hehe. Im not denying the other two were pretty good too, but i thought mindhunters just had this unique x factor that attracts me, no idea what exactly is it though, or rather i am not capable of articulating it yet heh. And gee it was good, but a little straining on my eyes. Oh and zzz im still thinking of your present if you're reading this heh. zzz. mutters. Spent 79 bucks on some lord of the rings sound track too lol, no idea what got into me either. Should've bought the jazz music i was eyeing though, realised many of the songs in it were ochestral pieces and not vocals, except for a few main ones of course. Then again, a little pure music without vocals once in a while is pretty good too i guess haha..

Wow gee its been quite a long entry heh. and of course it has to end, which is exactly what im going to do now ;) Hang on

guys for my next post ;)

2005-06-05T14:11:00.000+08:00

Grunts. This weekend will most probably be the last one for awhile that im going to spend in absolute peace zzz. i hate you 41 (reference: its an armour unit -_-) and most ironically someone with the worst fitness in the company, which unfortunately happens to be me, has been chosen to be the officer commanding's gunner...sigh. Apparently it isn't easy to be his gunner, since i may have to cross train several other vehicles before i can actually qualify to be his crew. Another issue not exactly worth rejoicing-____-, my whole fricking tank platoon comes from ITE, with the only exception of myself. certainly not prejudiced against them in any way, i do not actually doubt their character, but it is dreadfully difficult to communicate and clique with this bunch of people since our interests, perspective to life, basically our general frequency do not even come close to any form of resemblance, not to mention the impossibility of matching in personality (the becoming of true bosom friends that is).

Strangely the running schedule seemed only to have withstood about a week of test heh. i came to a consensus with myself with a logical reason-_-, its time to enjoy life a little since it'll very soon be tough times lol. Someone find out whens the next long weekend for me zzz. Man i realise i may be confined quite a bit from now on seeing that the basic requirement of 41 is to have silver for ippt and a pass for soc sigh, looks like its really time to train and slim down inside.

mutters, i miss squash so much. and plans today (sunday) has been scrapped due to the absence of some- unnamed personnels lol. ROAR TONG, havent you learnt to wake up early yet ;P lol, and our dear regular squashie kwanrong paying tributes to god knows what that kept him occupied this morning ..

mmmm. getting a little lazy and am currently thinking of a method to keep unauthorized people out of my private blog-_- from searching ZZZ. sincerely a simple trespassing of my personal privacy by coming into my site will deserve a death sentence from me and will warrant one most indefinetly. trust me. :)

Side note: I'll be making a page dedicated to my weekly fatalistic ( and often anti-christ unfortunately for some ) writings and poetry creations. Happy reading soon ;)

Getting a little lazy here. Will write more in my next post.
Back to my games i guess ;)

2005-06-03T16:11:00.000+08:00

Try we may have, even beyond the last of breath,
in futile attempts to cease but the cycle of life and death.
Yet in perpetual failure we return hand in hand.
The world maybe more full of weeping,
Than we can possibly understand.

To mankind they commanded
Ride the winds,
Glide the waters,
O'r the shadows of the valley of thousand acres
To the promised land of greens and heaven.
Yet now, i mourn for the promise disregarded.
Death unto us, disease unto man.
Sufferings we now forced to bear in the barren land,
Of sorrow and pain, such submerged in burning sand.

Man is then put to test,
Set to an eternal quest,
In search for the pill of immortality
For our life so fragile, breaks with utter zest.
Our minds too never given rest,
now become living testaments to the troubles and distress
of this land of countless pests.

2005-06-02T22:50:00.001+08:00

Testing post.
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